Stay at home or don’t complain

The greater Bay Area should be very aware of the shenanigans about to take over the City by the Bay this weekend.

As a friend of mine quite ingeniously put it on Facebook: “All these events need to share a Google Docs.”

There are two ba-gallion things going on this weekend, from sports to air shows to decades-old street celebrations. No slice of the city will be spared the chaos.

Normally, a news site like SFBay boasts articles on exciting sporting events and holes-in-walls to grab a bite to eat.

But I’m also perfectly aware there are quite a few of humbugs out there that won’t be able to find a single good thing about being in San Francisco this weekend.

On that note, this guide is for you.

Here’s a look at all the crazy things that are going on at the exact same time this weekend and why you should steer clear if it’s not your cup of tea:

Giants vs. Reds, Game 1 & 2 of the NLDS — Saturday & Sunday

Good news: All the obnoxious fair-weather fans are going to be at O.Co rooting for the Oakland A’s this weekend. The bad news: It isn’t going to be any less crowded around 4th and King Streets.

Or any street in the area surrounding the ballpark.

The Giants are making their second playoff run in three seasons and diehard fans are going to be all around AT&T whether they have tickets to get in or not.

Don’t like baseball? Just stay away from the SoMa area.

49ers vs. Buffalo Bills — Sunday

Bay Area locals know freeway and bridge traffic is typically brutal on football Sundays.

Add to it that the Niners are going to be playing at home for the first time in two weeks and that they’re playing crazy-well so far this season.

Mix that with people driving to all the other stuff in The City — please don’t, if you can avoid it — and you’ve got jammed highways to rival the 10 down in LA.

Castro Street Fair — Sunday

Think you’ll be safe from the crowds and loud fly-overs if you hide in the city’s interior? Think again, kiddos. Castro Street Fair takes place Sunday from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Wondering why they would put this neighborhood-wide event on such a busy weekend? Probably because it was there before any of these other events were even conceived. It’s been held on the first Sunday in October since Harvey Milk started up the event back in 1974.

Think the Market and Castro intersection is too cluttered already? Think about how many fair-seeking folks will be there on Sunday.

America’s Cup — All weekend

As if there wouldn’t already be action in the air over the piers — see “Fleet Week” — but there will also be activity on the water as America’s Cup retakes Bay waters for more big-boy boat races.

The America’s Cup website boasts that the races will take place “on a relatively calm San Francisco Bay.”

Between the potentially bad weather and waves generated by Navy-celebrating air shows, those calm waters might be hard to find.

Fleet Week — All week

Fleet Week is an San Francisco institution. Even watching the choppers do practice circles over Ocean Beach — or this year, landing a freaking hovercraft — is epic.

But, not everyone likes super-loud flyovers or is impressed by insane g-force-defying fighter jets. Hard to believe that there are individuals out there that don’t feel the biggest shot of patriotism watching the Blue Angels soar over Pier 80.

But heck, everyone has their preferences. If it really bothers you, you’ll just have to avoid every city that borders the bay. (Hey, noise travels long distances.)

Hardly Strictly Bluegrass — All weekend

Founder Warren Hellman’s death means a super-strength festival this year in honor of his memory. Three full days of music are planned on Golden Gate Park’s Hellman Hollow (formerly Speedway Meadow) and Lindley and Marx meadows starting on Friday.

And of course, it’s free, free, free.