Pop lore reveres The Bearded Lady as a side show act. A freak phenomenon. Something unnatural and, well, unattractive.
And really, what chick wants the ability to grow full-on Grizzly Adams facial hair anyways?
But it’s post-season hockey time again, and the San Jose Sharks are headed up to Vancouver for Round 1 of the 2013 NHL playoffs. And that means the return of the playoff beards, a practice that has Team Teal’s female fan base more than a little left out.
Truth be told, lady puckheads are just as lean and mean as their male counterparts.
They rock captain’s sweaters and get juiced after a good forecheck that smashes an opponent up against the glass like a swatted house fly. But the playoff ritual of growing facial hair as a superstitious end to positive rally juju isn’t exactly female friendly.
Fear not, femme fin-followers. There is a solution.
Take it from someone who wore nothing but black, white and orange — unmentionables included — during the entirety of the 2010 and 2012 MLB post-seasons: Rally wear, no matter how wacky it seems, is more important than ever when your team is in the playoffs.
And there are definitely ways to show your spirit that don’t include goatee growth.
Now, I’m not suggesting all you fly chicas go out and buy those wrap-around beanies with the knitted facial hair attached. (Come on, even guys shouldn’t be wearing those hideous things.)
Especially when there are endless options that are far more attractive.
Here’s a look at just a few lady-friendly alternatives to the Sharks playoff beard:
Teal Mani-Pedi: Before you squawk and try to “inform” me nail polish wears off within a couple of days, gel polish can last up to a couple of weeks. This is my absolute favorite way to show team spirit, and as a plus to Sharks fans, teal polish looks good with every skin tone. I recommend getting your tips did the morning of game day so they’re super fresh by the time Game 1 starts.
Throw on a few shark fin decals if you’re feeling feisty.
Teal Hair Chalk: This is the most committal and the most trendy. But a couple teal streaks in your hair is a cheeky way of showing team pride. Dying your whole head is also an option, if you have the guts and patience for a full mop of teal strands.
Can’t rock rainbow-hued hair at work? Opt for clip-in hair pieces. They’re just as vibrant, and more versatile.
The Rally Scarf: It might be the most tame, but it’s workplace-friendly and doesn’t require you to alter your physical appearance. It’s especially awesome since you can wear it multiple days in a row before you have to wash it, provided you don’t dangle it in Ceasar dressing or buffalo wing sauce. Plus, a scarf can double as a rally rag.
The Rally Ringtone: I actually stole this concept from my cousin. It’s a unisex idea, and not restricted to playoff season. Changing your ringtone to Metallica’s “Seek & Destroy” or San Jose’s goal music — Gary Glitter’s “Rock & Roll Part 2” — is a subtle way of showing your support.
Or you can get super creative and download your favorite play call as your tone. It’s more individual and telling of your team spirit. Besides, think of all the confused looks you’ll get from people when your phone goes off and Dan Rusanowsky’s voice comes screaming out of your purse.
There is, of course, the real true blue alternative to growing the playoff beard:
You don’t shave either: No, this is not my first choice, especially since I wear skirts year-round. But if the au naturale idea floats your boat and you are that darn devoted, then kudos to you.
And if your man balks at the the idea of you ditching your razor, tell him you’ll shave when he shaves his rally face fuzz off. Besides, his playoff beard is the reason we’re having this discussion in the first place.